Sorry about the last post, unfortunately I haven't gotten better since posting it. That same day I started kinda spiraling even more, only 'cause I just got reminded of my trauma & actually started thinking about it more again. It led me to have a full blown episode which lasted way longer than my usual episodes. At some point I did chill out, but I was still feeling just. Ugh. Disgusted, real upset, y'know.
Today, I woke up a bit late (13:00) and I was somewhat feeling good, I managed to play Dandy's World with my best friend earlier, but right before that, I started feeling like shit again. I managed to keep a good mood, y'know being distracted with the game & eventually chattin' about the characters, but it kinda came crashing back down sometime after we hopped off the game.
Specifically, I'm back to feeling like I just don't matter, y'know a second option to everyone I know. And also I just feel “imperfect”, like ruined because of my trauma, and also like not what everyone expects, which is something I've been dealing with since I was a kid. In general, I just feel bad for doing something for myself, like speaking my mind, just being me, to the point I just get angry/uncomfortable over the thought of doing something good for myself, let alone even think about myself, or so this is the best way I can describe this feeling. But despite that, I'm still feeling just miserable, and don't wanna burden anyone with my misery, making me feel like it's best for me to be distant, but I don't wanna somehow burden anyone with them with the fact that I'm currently upset and being distant because of it, so I insist on still chatting & thinking everything's fine, but then that quickly just get's too overwhelming for me I just go back to being distant, but y'know!!! I don't want to be!!! Yeah basically I frustrate myself all the damn time, 'cause this is far from the first time this has happened. Real crazy how your own brain can be your own enemy, can't it.
Oh, I've also back to feeling like I'm being percieved a certain way, which I don't know how, but I feel like it's not a certain way that I want it to be. And this especially, coupled with all of the other stuff I vented about here, makes me feel like I just completely relapsed, making it the cherry on top the way how it's also making me feel like shit. For the majority of last year (2025), I was having issues with the way how I'm percieved & all, I really did think all of that finally went away but I guess not. Same with me basically “forgetting” about my trauma, like having it not affect me as much anymore, but here we are.
It sucks. I do hope this passes soon... Time for some more lighter notes.
As mentioned before, I played Dandy's World with my best friend, Hazard, today. Since we were both like, starter toons, we were kinda ass LMAO, at some point we just went off to the roleplay area and just ran around as our own favorite toons. I mentioned Glisten was my favorite toon before in a previous blog post, but this time around I decided to be Flutter (first toon shown below), 'cause why not... I've always liked her, but I guess this time something clicked... and now she might be my #1 fave toon... my assigned toon if you will /silly. Also, Hazard was being his favorite toon, Blot (second toon shown below)!
I've also been finally working on my characters' reference sheets again, like I mentioned in my last post.
My mom also made some potato soup today! I'll ask if she can make some cocoa for me after I finish eating.
...It's currently 27° over here, damn.
Listening to: Death of Samantha by Yoko Ono
Watching: Nothing
Playing: Nothing
Eating: Potato soup
Drinking: Iced sweet tea
Feeling: Miserable
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