Keeping up with relationships

Keeping up with relationships, whether it'd be a romantic partner, friends, or whatever, has actually always been pretty difficult for me now that I've been thinking about it a lot more. People with ADHD to tend to struggle with maintaning relationships I've heard, so go figure, especially with RSD & OCD, 2 disorders commonly linked with ADHD from what I remember. I hate to immediately bring up my disorders, but they obviously get in the way of everything and are very much the primary reason why it feels so hard for me to be a "person" in a sense.

Lately, I can't help but feel like a lot of people around me are more insincere than ever, besides a handful of people I'm real close with. It just generally feels like people want or even expect things from me, maybe even label me too in a sense, which the former is honestly nothing new, but somewhat new with people who have at least somewhat shown that they can see me, or so I think. And it becomes ironic when I admit I tend to be a people pleaser, if anything I've always kind of been one my entire life, so I've been wanting to be like, actually someone, rather than a tool. This has been happening since late 2024 I believe, but nonetheless I've been specifically feeling like I'm just an extension to one of my best friends. I guess that sort of proved my point when in early 2025, me & the aformentioned best friend weren't in contact for a majority of 2025 due to me just, being very unkind, angry, & exaggerating and not letting go of the past (we eventually patched things up and are back in contact since December of 2025), and I guess us splitting led some of our shared friends to also unfollow/block me, which is fair, but it happened so quietly I don't think anyone noticed we weren't friends anymore until sometime later, like as far as I know I don't think anyone really knew what exactly happened? But to be honest, I feel like some, if not a lot of these people never liked me, I only stuck around just 'cause I thought my mind was just making me paranoid as it always does. I met all these people when I was a young teen (some I met when I was a pre-teen actually), so since I was of course growing, changing, & all that, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up giving myself a reputation of being an "angry child", generally just kind of tense to be around since I was very emotional, especially since I developed victim complex. I think it's fair people never liked who this little George was only 1 - 4 years ago. Something's also sort of telling me my age was also a big part of like, sort of not fitting in with these people well in a way, even though 2 people we all knew were like a year older than be but whatever... I dunno, there's still the fact that I was kinda ridiculed for being the youngest at first, I'm basically born in 2008 with the way how I'm born in late 2007 LOL! But anyway, yeah at the end of the day I guess it's not a huge loss if these people turned out to be fake and all, but it still hurts honestly, because I still considered these people to be my friends and we did get along despite all the bad things... And now, I've been starting to be a bit on edge and... I guess "paranoid" that people will start trying to be friendly with me and all again after me & my best friend patched things up, which I obviously do not want as that's for sure gonna prove my (probably paranoid) point that I'm just an extension to her and people only tolerate me because we're friends. I dunno, all of this is the main reason why I never bothered to join my bestie's boyfriend's Discord server again after we became friends again, as all these aforementioned past friends all hang out in there. WHATEVER! I moved on a long time ago.

That's another thing I wanna mention, me moving on. When me & my bestie weren't in contact, I eventually slowly, but surely moved on from the fact that I'm never gonna form a great connection with her & our (other smaller & closer) circle ever again, despite me begging for it to come back in 2024 since in mid 2023 it kinda started fading... but I thought it just is what it is & finally moved on. Until we, you know, got back in contact. And we eventually all brought back said other smaller & closer circle and like, I'm glad it's back, but also... I dunno. I kinda wanna say it feels inauthentic? But not exactly? I think it's just 'cause of the fact that y'know I moved on, and it kinda felt like I quickly got roped back into it (even though I literally agreed to bringing it back & all) and I can't kinda help but think... we could've brought it back earlier but whatever, which sounds kinda dumb/rude. Either way it's still pretty inactive and I'm pretty sure it only started becoming inactive primarily because everyone moved over to the aforementioned Discord server rather than 'cause of me like, leaving & all. God I don't mean to sound like an asshole and expecting shit from others LMAO I'm just spillin' my thoughts & some tend to come off as or outright be malicious when I don't want that!!! Why is my brain basically trying to make me out to be an asshole man... is this what the kids call it intrusive thoughts /silly Actually, I think that's another thing... I'm scared of me somehow, possibly becoming an asshole and expecting shit & all from people again, basically like my intrusive thoughts somehow turn into impulsive thoughts... for lack of a better desccription, which is another reason why I become distant since even though I acted that way, I never wanted to hurt anyone & all... my brain is just so frustratingly confusing to deal with.

Another thing I wanna mention, unrelated to the 2^nd & 3^rd paragraphs but going back to the “It just generally feels like people want or even expect things from me” point at the start of the 2^nd paragraph, it's pretty self explanatory I think... I dunno I just feel like some of my other friends don't care what I really have to say unless if it like, appeals to them in some way. This one I might just be paranoid & wanting people to be too direct & say they do care which I don't want either. It's so frustrating, I want people to be authentic and it really is okay if they don't seem too interested in some stuff I like, but my dumbass brain also takes it as “they just hate you” or “they only want stuff from you that appeals to them A.K.A. you're just a tool” but either way “if they really care/like you then wait until they directly say it or do/say something that automatically proves it, no don't go busting in their DMs asking if they still fuck w/ you because then you're gonna be annoying and attention seeking as fuuuck and just look dumb as hell” UGHHH BRAIN WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!!!!!!! Whateverrrrrrr-uh.

It's gonna be scary posting this, since all my friends are obviously gonna see this haha, but whatever. I made this blog to spill my thoughts anyway, 'tis expected... This was originally gonna be about me losing and forming relationships, but it just turned into a whole spill about me keeping up with my current relationships LOL, maybe I'll make a post actually about me forming relationships & all someday...

Again, I hope this all generally didn't come off as malicious, like, attention seeking or expecting too much or even guilt trippy & all, for the 1 millionth time I'm simply spilling my thoughts & some thoughts are ones I don't wanna have/agree with & all... my brain is so confusing & makes the world confusing... AUGH!!! I also hope this all makes sense & didn't get confusing/nonsensical at some parts haha

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Listening to: Julia by The Beatles
Watching: Nothing
Playing: Nothing
Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Coffee
Feeling: Sad